I've been in relationships before never giving myself time to heal. I never gave myself time to really get to know me, because I was afraid of what I would see. There were times I did things I really didn't want to do to keep my "boyfriend " happy a lesson I had to learn on my own. No one could tell me anything. Being naive got my heart broken a few times and I always felt as If I was not worthy of being loved. I felt like everytime I thought it was love there was always a wake up call. Meaning everything wasn't as good as it seemed. The biggest heartache I experienced was with a guy I was in a relationship for a year. When I thought about it over the years I realized JESUS kept me from an even greater heartache.
When I started building my relationship with Christ our relationship became rocky, well let's say what I couldn't see before was becoming more clear. I told my "boyfriend " I was getting baptized, but he seemed to not really care, I thought he would be Happy for me because it was important to me but I was sadly mistaken. The day of my baptismal ceremony my family was there for the morning service and for my ceremony, my "boyfriend" came late and left early. Right then I should have let him go but again I was being so naive. When I talked to him and told him that I was going to be celibate he nearly lost it. Two weeks after that conversation he broke up with me, and I was devastated. I felt like I wasn't worthy, like it was something wrong with me and I cried all night. I called my spiritual mom and she gave encouraging words and prayed with me but she told me I needed to call on JESUS and that's what I did. He told me that he had me covered.
The next morning I felt a bit down, but somehow I knew it was going to be Okay.
I know we all struggle with our own heartaches, and insecurities, but Don't let that keep you from GOD. After that breakup, a few months went by, I was doing well but I stumbled a few times and I felt guilty for a long time. I was scared of being lonely and I made my way back into another relationship. Instead of using wisdom and listening to GOD I did my own thing. I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter, right then I had an Epiphany, really it was GOD he said I no longer could think about myself I had to make a change not only for myself but for my daughter.
I knew my daughter needed me to be a positive role model, head on straight and I had to keep her covered. I knew the only way of doing that was really seeking the love of GOD instead the love from a man. There was more growing I needed to do. I cut off relationships with her father and unintentionally cut off friends but I knew it needed to be done. My life was empty but know I had my daughter and JESUS made me whole again. Jesus became my strength, and over time my Peace and joy. I needed more of JESUS and less of me, everytime I tried to do it on my own, or thought I could do it on my own I would just stumble. The only love I knew that was unconditional and true was the Lords love. So I took a vow of celibacy, when I was three months pregnant. Since having my daughter I've grown so much. I've been tempted so much, in so many ways and when I get close to compromising myself GOD always shows up on time. GOd told me "I have so much in-store for you, just wait patiently." GOD said "you're my daughter and you are worthy to be loved, I have someone just for you, to do kingdom work with you, but I have to build both of you up so you'll be ready." Whenever I am feeling tempted I look at God's word and His promises 1 Corinthians 10:13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And GOD is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure.
Many times I thought I would fail but GOD always gave me a way out.
In the past sometimes I wanted to talk to my old friends and family about being celibate and about getting to know themselves, but I felt they wouldn't receive me as much as a stranger would. They would look at me like "Girl nobody wants to hear that" I started feeling guilty and feeling as if I should repent because I didn't take the opportunity to share JESUS with them. A lot of times I just kept to myself because nobody really understood my journey, and they still won't. All I could do was be an example, and pray for them. I learned to walk around unashamed of my relationship with JESUS. I realized JESUS is never ashamed of me so I walk around a lot bolder. I am willing to share JESUS and my testimony with anybody that will not only hear it but listen. Regardless of the pain you may endure Ladies I want you to know it will never last. JESUS is ready to heal and make you over. When you focus on your relationship with Christ, you won't ever give another man the chance to hurt you. Taking a vow of celibacy the second time around and actually staying committed has helped me to grow so much. Yes, it has been a struggle but it also taught me to love myself first and give myself time to heal from old wounds and past hurts. Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
You were placed on this earth, created to be more than eye candy, video vixens, strippers, prostitute/hoes "wifey", side chick, main chick, dime, Oh yeah and bad b*tch. You were created with a beautiful Purpose, to be an amazing Woman, intelligent, Woman of GOD, an all around encouraging wonderfully made person. I know in this day and age with so many things going on, new trends it's hard to keep up but GOD says "Don't try to keep up with the world, you only need my approval." When you seem insignificant remember Romans 12:2 Don't copy the behavior and customs of the world, but let GOD transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Walk boldly in Christ, Praise him for who he is, love yourself, get to know you. Know that you have a Purpose and remember you are so worthy. GOD love is real, look at the grace and mercy He has shown us. Ephesians 2:8 GOD saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this, it is a gift from GOD.
Sincerely brokenhearted girl
Turned Purposeful Queen
Peace & Blessings Queens
DW
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